Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving - the beginning of the end of the year of firsts. Those firsts being the ones without my Dad. Sometimes it feels like you were still here five minutes ago, other times it feels like it's been five hundred years. 

Celebrations in times of grief, especially those of thankfulness and gratitude, kind of seem almost laughable or even almost cruel. Your absence feels like it's being featured on a marquee on these days. As if it were possible to forget. 

I tell myself - and my mom, and my brothers - that you would not want us to be miserable. Of course we’re going to be sad, we miss him, we want him here, with us. Of course it is not going to be easy. But you would not want us to take these days of celebration that showcase love, family, and friendship to instead focus on the hole we cannot fill.

I think back to last year and how I didn’t have a clue. Despite everything, you were still thankful. Thankful that you were able to be there with us, to eat pumpkin pie even though you could only eat the filling part. You managed to make the best with what you had.

You’re gone. We’re here. You’re gone but you’re here, with us, always. I don’t doubt that for a second. That hole cannot be filled, but memories of you help keep the rest of it from falling apart. Despite what we might want to do, these memories might just bring a smile to our face and lift up our mood. That’s a legacy. 

Getting through the holidays, at times, may feel like we’re trying to trudge through knee-deep high mud and sand. Awkward, slow, frustrating. But we have to keep moving forward. We’re probably going to bring along more mud and sand than we’d like. But forward it is. 

Twenty-nine years was nowhere near enough; I don’t think that number actually exists. But twenty-nine years of countless memories, laughs, and joys that bring me light on the darkest of days? I am forever thankful. The moments where I wonder what your advice would be or what you would do, and then, there are times where somehow, I know? Forever thankful.

The support my family and I received over the last year has been beyond incredible. We didn’t get through this alone. For the friends and family that were there - forever thankful, too. I can’t say it enough. Shoulders to cry on, laughs to have, checking in, distracting for a bit, sharing memories, all to help us navigate this new reality - the list is endless. And know that he would be thankful too, knowing all the support and love we received.

There were times where support came from sources I’d never expected. Thankful doesn’t begin to cover it all, but I’m thankful for you, my loved ones. You have helped keep steady while feeling as if we’re lost at sea.

I have had many struggles these last couple years, and yes, it has been difficult to try and remain thankful. It is hard to be thankful for, say,  having a leg, albeit one that is a disaster, when I truly wonder at times if I’d be better without it. There’s times I don’t want to be thankful. There’s times when I'm angry. And I simply don’t have answers.

And even as I try to remember, “He would not want you miserable,” I’m so sad and angry at losing my Dad that I’m going to burst. Angry at everything you’ll miss and everything I can’t ask or tell you. 

I know I just spent almost an entire post saying why there are reasons to still be thankful about my dad as we celebrate our first Thanksgiving without him and now I’m saying how angry I am. 

The point is, I’m thankful we have Thanksgiving. It is a time where we are deliberate in our actions to take a step back, reflect, and talk about gratitude and being thankful. Sometimes, we end up being surprised about what we find in our gratitude and thankfulness.

It is the nudge I need to get back to my dad, and, although I feel like this gap in my heart could swallow me whole, the memories do bring me back. And then thankfulness continues from there, like a domino effect, sometimes you even find hope, but you do realize that you’re going to get through this day, and the next.

(Also, I’m thankful I’ve had an avenue to continue writing for the fire service. Thanks Crackyl!)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.