2022: A Look Back

I don’t know why I plan. Anything. I find myself saying this a lot. Yet I’m still dumb enough to plan.

This time last year plus a couple weeks, I was all about cultivating habits and achieving new goals in 2022.

Well, pretty much all of that went to shit. On Day 2. I summarized the struggles of 2022 back in September. I totally forgot about the feeling (20)22 blog post until a few weeks ago.

And I laughed.

Because 2022 f*cking sucked.

2022 was a series of balloons either being popped with a pin or the being deflated and making that flapping noise.

I may have had some improvement on being “me” and not who others want me to be. If anything, I do feel as if I’m at least a tiny bit better at untangling thoughts or bringing the focus back to within. I really don’t know what I want or need to do about anything.

I’m still searching for that right idea to click.

Will a career coach put me on the right track in setting goals? (I SUCK at setting measurable goals)

What about a writing mentor? How do I even find one of those?

Should I start taking classes? What kind? Certificates, bootcamps, or standalones? (This then goes back to ‘will a career coach put me on the right?’).

Should I get a personal trainer? Is it worth getting a personal trainer when you’re doing rehabilitating, low impact exercise?

What TF am I going to do about my leg?

What TF am I going to do about anything?

What TF am I doing wrong?

That is just a little peek into my mind pretty much at any given time. Think hamster ball.

People keep telling me better things are coming, but I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. Isn’t that planning? I’m just continually disappointed.

Back in the spring, I was feeling so optimistic about my leg. I was doing yoga a couple times a week. I was even starting to try and do *some* firefighter-related activities. Then, poof. I can’t decide if it was like a balloon popping or the air being released. Again, my leg regressed and the pain came back with more intensity. I thought I had a return to normalcy and an end to this nightmare finally in sight.

I was wrong. Things managed to get worse. I have had to use a cane. My entire life has to factor in my leg. Let’s say I want to go out to a bar. I have to get a seat. I can stand for a little bit, then its an awkward leg bend, weight shift, and, finally, a modified flamingo stance so there is no weight on my bad leg. But! Let’s say I have a seat. I get to a point where I have to stand for a bit because something with how my leg sits on a bar stool puts pressure and pain on my leg. Seriously! Pretty much sitting anywhere is way more complicated than it needs to be because my leg can’t stay in one position long without starting to hurt. I don’t know how to explain it. It is stupid.

2022 was supposed to be the year I made my return to firefighting.

Instead, 2022 was the year I closed the door to a return. Now, I’m still a member of the fire department. But, recently, it was time to hear from my doctor what I’m 99% sure I already knew: A return to firefighting would not be happening.

I knew, but it was still a gut punch. There will be more to say on that later. That’s definitely its own blog post. There’s a lot to process. To say I’m no longer a firefighter…I joined when I was 14 years old.​​ That’s more than half my life. I’ve probably said it a million times in my head these last couple weeks: I am not a firefighter. Like I said, that’s its own post.

But this year has reaffirmed that I just want to be able to live a normal life without debilitating, chronic pain that defines everything I do, and I have to focus on that instead of holding out hope for what isn’t able to happen.

So, yeah, definitely not how I wanted 2022 to go. And dammit, I was so hopeful that this year would be it. I had so many hopes and…nada. It makes looking forward to 2023 hard. A big part of me just does not want to get my hopes up and be continually and consistently disappointed.

Do I not say or record my goals so there isn’t any evidence when things go absolutely off the rails?

2022 was basically loss and learning to live with loss.

I’m not sorry to see it end. I don’t know what comes next.