Every Day I Hate Myself (It’s Not What You Think)

Please note that we’re talking about mental health issues which can be triggering for some. Please engage with care. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, psychological or behavioral health condition.I f you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available 24/7. Call or text 988 anytime in the US and Canada to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

The title is a little dramatized. It’s attention-getting, but I also don’t want pepole thinking I need a welfare check. What I need is to vent; this is my blog, so here we are. 

This. Freaking. Sucks.

Over these last eight months of unemployment, I have found that the worst times of day are when I wake up and when I go to sleep. Because nothing has changed. 

We all have our routines. When I go to bed, I usually try to read for a little bit to unwind and end my screen time. And when I turn out the light and roll over, I say the same thing every night: 

“God, please let tomorrow be better.”

And every day is just so…droll. 

I wake up in the morning and check my email. There’s so much crap to go through, but it’s always a little bit anxiety-inducing. Did I hear back from any jobs? Any automatic rejections? Did I overdraw my checking account? Does anyone want to buy my jewelry? Is there anything to break up the monotony? 

I try to spend most of my day looking for and applying for jobs. Oddly, I have found that some job search apps work much better on my phone compared to my laptop, so, yes, I’m scrolling, but this is a different kind of doomscrolling. Applying for jobs is still a laptop activity. 

Speaking of applying for jobs, it’s kind of crazy (in my opinion) that I have to tailor my resume so specifically to each job posting to match keywords. And only to send my resume off into a void that may be filled with hundreds of other applicants, to never hear anything again. 

(I did the math based on my current unemployment experience, and I’ve heard back from about 20%, which was higher than I expected. However, there’s jobs I interviewed for that I never heard from again, so that’s weird)

It is so, so monotonous. I’ll admit it, I hate cover letters. I don’t think I’m very good at writing them. So I guess they’re my writing weakness.

Unemployment is so confusing, too. I’ve had my resume reviewed by multiple people, and they’ve all said very different things. Now, I have one realllllly big resume that I use to tailor alllll my other ones to. (It’s not that big. But longer than the two-page limit we’re told. It’s just to have everything in one spot) 

My favorite thing is being told I have a great resume or whatever. Well, even if I do, I certainly don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know it’s a comment that means well and is meant to be encouraging, but sometimes it gets added to the “I’m beyond frustrated” pile.

The one thing that I have most definitely learned is that in any job I have for basically the rest of my life, I need to keep better track of my accomplishments, KPIs, and quantifiables.

There are plenty of learning opportunities out there, but frankly, it is overwhelming when you’re looking at a variety of jobs and want to continue that framework to widen the net. I apparently have some block in my brain where I can’t focus on just going after one type of job or career. I’m trying to put myself out there for multiple things, because what if I focus on the wrong thing? 

• Which class should I take?

• Which jobs should I apply for? 

• What is considered a productive day? 

• How many jobs per day should I be applying for?

• Should I provide a cover letter with every job?

• Why can’t I get any freelance work?

• Why is this application portal so difficult to work through?

• How can I make money in the interim?

Over and over and over again.

If I couldn’t push it down, I’d be in a perpetual anxiety attack. Frankly, I don’t know how I’m not. I don’t really know how I’m pushing it down. I don’t even really know what I mean by that. 

Sometimes, I’ll read something online that will trigger an anxiety uptick because I’m not alone in this hellscape of unemployment. It’ll feel like a weight has been set in my stomach, and I get warm, sweaty, and dizzy like you do before you puke. And then I just puuuush it back down. I’m really trying to avoid a big meltdown because I can’t afford it, literally and figuratively (seeing as I don’t have health insurance, for one).

Being physically limited doesn’t help. I can’t just get a job at a store or something. I can’t stand or sit without difficulties. And I can’t really work on treating my CRPS because I have no health insurance. 

And during all of this, you’re supposed to prioritize your mental health and self-care because otherwise you’ll lose your freaking mind. Well, that can be hard when you’re trying not to spend a cent. 

And exercise! Go exercise! The gym membership was the first thing that got cut. when I lost my job What I would give to be able to go for a run or lift like I used to. I miss my pre-leg disaster kettlebell workouts.

But I can barely go for a walk. My disability/pain condition makes exercising a lot harder, which then contributes to my mental health being crappy, and around and around we go! Bad mood, leg pain increases. Leg pain increases, bad mood. It is a constant cycle. And it’s really weird with my leg, because sometimes if I’m walking for an extended period, it’ll hurt severely in the beginning, until I get to a certain point, and then it settles down. It makes no sense, but nothing about CRPS does. 

As the weather gets nicer, I’ve been trying to take my dog for walks, but even that has to be adapted to be leg-friendly - I live on a giant hill that’s made up of other hills. And to start off, we’re not going to be going very far. We’re going about 20 minutes. But it’s free. 

To spend so much time in your own thoughts can be torture. And I’m sure it would be torture if I didn’t have depression and anxiety. But those aren’t making it any easier, and this is where the self-reflecting hate comes in.

I question every choice I’ve ever made that got me to this point. 

I question my choice of major and graduate degree; I question the path I set for myself. I question why I haven’t done better. I question what I’m doing wrong.  

I do, and I don’t question the half-marathon training that ruined my life, but, after I got my spinal cord stimulator and soooo much brain fog lifted, I was so angry wondering about how many interviews or just things in life I screwed up because the pain was messing with me so bad. So while I might not question that per se, there’s a lot of unresolved anger there that might not ever be solved. 

And you say these things like, I feel like a failure and everyone is like, oh no. This is just a speed bump. Just one chapter. It’s temporary. These things may very well be true. They probably are. I can’t even get myself to say that they are, because I just feel that defeated and paranoid.

But when you’re living this, you can’t escape that feeling of oh my god, what is wrong with me? And you know it’s not just you. You know it very well might not even be about you at all. But dealing with an extended bout of unemployment like this is like being the bug on the windshield every single day while it’s pouring down rain.  

And life goes on with or without you. This is both a good and a bad thing. In some ways, it can be a much-needed distraction. In other ways, it’s hard watching what seems like normalcy around you. Because you know what else unemployment is? It is boring as hell. You might think, well, you’re a writer, Tori. Why aren’t you using this time to write? And my answer is that, well, I am, but the mental drain has really created a creative energy crisis. It’s like I’m glitching.

Whether you realize it or not, you might end up isolating yourself. For one, it’s the saving money thing. Two, it’s awkward to talk about, and no one wants to hear awkwardness. I can’t blame them. The job search continues. It sucks. I’m anxious. That’s not much of a conversation. Also, you might isolate yourself unknowingly because you don’t want to deal with the awkwardness or recognize how bad it is. It’s just not a good time. 

This post probably seems like a mess, but I’m hoping that others who are going through the same thing feel a little bit seen. There’s a lot of emotion to be felt with unemployment. Big, negative emotions. It’s okay to have them. It’s okay to want to scream into the void. Bonus points if you do. You might not want most people to see how messed up you feel; I don’t. But you do want to yell, “I AM LOSING MY EVER-LOVING MIND,” so it could help knowing that others feel the same way. 

I have my go-tos for trying to maintain my sanity. Writing on my blog is one of them, because I can write about whatever the heck I want just for shits and giggles. There are a few half-baked blog posts that will never see the light of day because, meh. And that’s okay too. I’m a writer, and just writing is a good way to keep flexing that muscle. For something like this, it is easier for me to write what I’m feeling rather than actually speaking the words, so it’s kind of like a two-for-one deal. Writing and emotional release. 

Jewelry making is my other big one. Some days, I feel like this is more or less going to become a blog about my jewelry making. I spent most evenings making jewelry. It relaxes me, and it’s a different kind of creative outlet. It has a shorter planning and project span, for one. And I don’t have to think about plot holes. The other cool thing with jewelry making is learning new techniques and learning what sells. I swear at every craft show I’ve sold at has a different item that’s really popular. So the process is about more than just making the jewelry. But I also could never have to buy any jewelry except rings again in my lifetime, with all the jewelry I make. 

Reading is good, walking the dog is good. Socialization, although it might not be my favorite thing right now, is also good and basically necessary to maintain your sanity. It’s a good thing I don’t live alone right now. If I just spent all my time staring at the ceiling, that would be noticed. Not talking to anyone would be bad and also create more unneeded time in my own head. No matter what you’re feeling throughout this and whether you like it or not, people are going to be part of your support system here. 

That’s really it. Unemployment sucks and manages to be both beyond boring and utterly confusing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s trying not to lose my mind. 

And even as it all is droll and anxiety-inducing, I’m also looking forward to the day when I say, “I got the job.” Hope can still survive.

You know what? I do kind of feel better putting all of this out there on the page.