In Memoriam: My Dad, Mark Mikulan Sr.
A week ago today, my dad died. He began fighting stage 4 colon cancer in March, so while he was sick, he went downhill very suddenly and very quickly. It is absolutely awful to see someone you love in that pain, and it is beyond awful to lose them. But my dad was in so much pain and wasn’t living the life that made him my dad. Knowing he is no longer in pain is one of the very few comforts. Another comfort is that he died at home with his wife and children all with him. It was definitely a fight at the end, but it seemed as he had some type of checklist in his head of things he needed confirmed before he was ready to go, i.e., making sure we’d be alright. I truly don’t think he would have gone until he felt we were okay. Which, yeah, is kind of weird to think about but not actually surprising.
There are no words to describe the infinite numbers of pieces my heart has broken into upon losing him or the devastation I feel with my mom and brothers.
But the support and love my family has received since his passing is heartwarming and overwhelming. My dad was a volunteer firefighter for a long time, 45-ish years and held many positions, along with chief for 16 years. A fireman’s service is often held, and we held one. I have never seen a turnout for a fireman’s service like I did for my dad’s. It was mind boggling and left me speechless. Before we went to the funeral Mass, we had a procession for my dad to pass the fire station one last time. Again, I was in awe in the fire departments who brought apparatus to pay their final respects and seeing township workers lined up as we passed.
At Mass, I wrote and gave a eulogy on behalf of myself and my brothers, and I would like to share the text with you:
This is on behalf of myself and my three brothers.
There is no better person than my dad. He is a piece of work. I joke that he and my brothers are the same person. But don’t worry - I know where I get my stubbornness from.
A few words can’t sum him up. Growing up, he was a stay at home dad and volunteer fire chief. There was nothing cooler than growing up at a fire house - until we all each became firefighters ourselves. Although, not many kids have a picture of their dad, in turnout gear, meeting a US president.
We may have gotten our stubbornness from him, but we also got our sense of humor - somehow, in different ways yet the same, and drive to help people from him, along with much more. Public safety has been such a huge part of our lives separately, as we four each forged our own path as first responders. That is all because of him. The last thing Dad wanted was for us to feel forced to belong to the department. And he would’ve known if that’s how we felt. He loved that we were part of it, and all of having our own unique impact. He put bats, lightsabers, and Halligan bars in our hands.
We all learned so much from him throughout our lives - he taught four of us to drive - and I don’t doubt that we won’t continue to learn from him.
My dad cared, a lot. All he wanted in life was for my mom, my brothers, and me to be happy. He was really good at appearing interested if it was something we liked, even if he could not care less or didn’t understand what the heck we were talking about, which resulted in him watching a lot of WWE, Star Wars, and emergency response YouTube videos. Dad was steady and dependable. He was always a rock for any of us. There is no greater feeling of safety than a hug from Dad.
The last couple years, my dad was there for a lot of my own health problems. He was the one pushing me around in a wheelchair for a time and helping me get to and from appointments. I think my brothers would agree that there was just something special about the conversations you would have when it was just you and Dad driving.
My dad always found a way to be supportive. He may not have always liked it, but as long as it wasn’t explicitly illegal or harmful, he would have our backs. But one of my favorite examples would be how he felt about Penn State. Dad loved that I went to Robert Morris - his alma mater, along with my aunt’s and uncle’s - for college. He loved that I went Greek which was nice because everyone else thought we were nuts. But grad school. My dad was very anti- Penn State football because he wasn’t a fan of Joe Paterno. But then I was going to grad school at Penn State. And then he turned to the Dark Side and became a Penn Sate fan. I think for about two seasons straight, he would complain about Penn State being a fourth quarter team. Which, to be fair, he wasn’t wrong. If I couldn’t watch the game, he’d text me updates. And those texts would refer to Penn State as “we.”
My dad loved being a Dad. He loved being a Dad more than anything. When my youngest brother was still a toddler, every day he would call for my dad to sing the Barney song at the end of each episode. And every day, my dad sang the I Love You song with him. And to me, it was really neat to see the love with a toddler and a parent because you don’t remember those moments from when you were little. But it was like an opportunity to look back into what had been when we were younger.
Dad, we all love you so much. Right now, it might seem impossible to figure out how we are going to live in this world without you, but we will find our way. It is not hard to hear you saying come on, there’s stuff that needs done, and not getting it done doesn’t help anyone. I also know he is never going to be truly gone. All his love will live on in us and he will always be in our hearts. I will always be your brown eyed girl.
I do know you would appreciate some levity, Dad, so go find John Candy and have an Orange Whip, convince Bob Nutting to sell the Pirates, and the Force will be with you, always.
Right now it feels if it is impossible to comprehend that he is no longer here with us, to move forward and find this new normal. I’m sure for quite a time I will be carrying emergency Kleenex on me because I feel as if it is possible for me to break into tears at any moment. But his hopes and dreams for us all remain, whether he is physically here or not. And so I know my brothers and I will continue to live lives that would continue to make him proud.
